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The travails of a frustrated compiler

I was thinking about what would happen in case a compiler becomes sentient. Rather than just translating code it would be able to understand things but I suppose because the programs are written by humans are so often wrong the best part would be the error messages. Here are a few I could think of
"Hello World again and again. Do you know how many times I have had to print that bloody nonsense. You can do anything else, print your name for gods sake but it always has to Hello fucking World."
"Look Lad, not so fast, take a step back, a deep breath and your fingers away from the keyboard, and now think for a second"
"Son, you have been trying to do this for an hour now. Honestly speaking you are not cut out to be a programmer. I would suggest you look for the nearest river or the tallest building or best of all find something you are better at"
"Does any decent person code at this time in the morning. How would you feel if I dragged you out of your sleep while you were having the finest dreams of your life"
"Look kiddo, I know you are just starting out but if you cause another segmentation fault, I will step out and thrash you within an inch of your life. Do you know what it feels like. It feels like your soul has been ripped out because you can't find the one thing that you are looking for. Don't do it again"
"I have had enough of running your bloody code which never works. I am going off to bed. I need the sleep even if you don't"
Add more suggestions in the comments.

Comments

Piyush said…
If the compiler happened to be a Indian philosophy bug, it could also pass on this advice:

"Now look, if you really want to know what the bug is, you first need to figure out what all the bug clearly is not."
Himanshu Govil said…
I knew that you will be the first one to comment on this post :)
Kartik Kaipa said…
The story is interesting. I am surprised Hollywood hasn't made a movie with this storyline so far. They have tried everything else to do with romance haven't they. Destiny, cars. This should be the next step.
Himanshu Govil said…
and usko dekhega kaun.. CSE graduates.. :P
Piyush said…
And if the compiler turned out to be a Zen freak:

"To program, you first have to forget how to program."
Kartik Kaipa said…
I wonder how that would work though :). Programming without programming

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